Note from Lori:
This piece was first published March 15, 1998 in the Indianpolis Star. It was
also published in my first book, "I Was a Better Mother Before I Had
Kids." It has been "modified" and "edited" by others
and circulated on the Internet, even sent to me several times. Imagine my
surprise to see it attributed to some guy named Anonymous. From time to time I
republish the piece here just so readers can read the original in its entirety.
The Death of Common Sense
Lori Borgman (copyrighted)
Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the
passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
His obituary reads as follows:
Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the
brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was; his birth records
were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape.
Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he
selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals,
and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping,
and hollering. Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no
power over C.S.
A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when
to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm,
and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the
adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and
bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological
Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and
educational trends including disco, the men's movement, body piercing, whole
language, and new math.
C.S.'s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with
the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus. In the following decades his waning strength
proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and
regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the
will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received
better treatment than victims, and judges stuck their noses in everything from
Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf.
His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports
of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls
suspended for possessing Midol, and an honor student expelled for having a
table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.
As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets, mandatory
air bags, and a government plan to ban inhalers from fourteen million
asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the
environment. Finally, upon word that a North Carolina town council was
attempting to restrict front porch furniture to lawn chairs and settees that
are aesthetically attractive, C.S. breathed his last.
Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by
his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is
survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.
Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought.
Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace. Hopefully, in a casket the state
of North Carolina deems aesthetically attractive.